“The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” Deuteronomy 31:8
The following is a testimony of Salvation and Hope after suicide attempts
I don’t think I really wanted to die. I needed hope.
I was desperate to get people to see how badly I was hurting. I wanted them to change, and in turn my life would change. I wanted love, peace and hope. I wanted to live. All the things I had used to fill my emptiness were either gone or had lost their effect. Popularity from my looks, the attention I got from guys, drugs, partying, relationships, none of it satisfied me and none of it was lasting. I was trapped in despair and I came to a place of hopelessness that I had never known before. I was sick of living.
I started making a real suicide plan. One that would get the job done.
The only thing holding me back was the fear of dying. I thought maybe a new start was what I needed. So, I moved down to Atlanta to live with my mom. I met new people to party with and was able to distract myself for a while from the terrible ache in my heart. I was still trying to read the devotional books my aunt had given me over the years, so I would wake up, make my coffee, roll a joint and have my devotional time.
I also started hanging out with a woman I had met through my mom. She was very charismatic and seemed very spiritual. She always had her little New Testament Bible with her. She believed that smoking weed was the secret knowledge to knowing God. She had told me one time that she was an angel, and a prophet sent by God. That she was not from this world. It was a little weird, but I thought, if I can keep smoking pot and still be right with God, you can be whoever you want to be.
I believed in God. I believed that Jesus died on the cross. I believed he rose from the dead. I knew everything the Bible said was true. Somehow, I thought I was right with God and that I would go to heaven when I died. I didn’t want anyone to have full control of my life except for me. I had wanted to know God and be right with God on my terms. Yes, I clearly committed all kinds of sins, but I reasoned that God knew why I did what I did. I had been neglected, mistreated, rejected, betrayed. I was a victim. I expected God to overlook my sins and allow me to come into heaven just as I was.
Soon things took a turn for the worse. My mom lost her apartment, and she moved in with her boyfriend. I moved in with the charismatic woman, her boyfriend and her children. But she started getting weirder and weirder. She was involved with demonic influence and it was terrifying. I started getting sick a lot. I was breaking out in weird skin rashes, and I couldn’t sleep at night.
The word of God that I had been taught in Sunday school and all the things I learned from my Aunt kept coming back to me.
I started to feel very wrong about smoking pot and the life style I was leading and saying it was okay with God. One day I confronted my friend and told her how I felt. She told me I was not free enough in the spirit to sin, and God was disgusted with me. She started getting not only weird but scary. She was very aggressive, and I was worried that if I didn’t agree with her she would hurt me or call up her spirits to try and persuade me. I needed to get away from her. My mom and I planned a trip to Florida for thanksgiving. I told the woman I was going for a long weekend, but while she was not home I packed my few belongings and made my escape. I never saw her again.
I didn’t know what to do. I needed to stay away from the crazy woman. I was sick of smoking pot. It wasn’t fun anymore, but I just didn’t know how to stop. And honestly, I was scared to stop. How would I exist in reality without any kind of defense from the fear and anger and emptiness that consumed me? My Aunt had told me, “Jesus can satisfy you.” So, I stepped out in faith, and put Jesus to the test. I said out loud, “Okay Jesus, you say you can satisfy me, so come and do it.” I threw my cigarettes and the last of my weed away. Nothing magical or mystical happened right away, but I had strength to take another step. I called my aunt to tell her what i had done.
I remember very clearly the realization in my heart and the change that took place when I encountered Jesus for the third time.
All my life I had made God into who I wanted him to be. I had been a victim and I felt God should give me a free pass. I didn’t want anyone to have full control of my life except for me. I had wanted to know God and be right with him, but on my terms, not His. And it had never worked. Until God opened my eyes, and I saw Jesus as the victim of my actions and sins.
The reality that God loved my while I was in that miserable state of sin and independence was what led me to repent and turn form my own ways.
I was captured and captivated by the loving kindness of a holy and just God who would be right in sending me to hell, but because of what Jesus did on the cross, he embraced me and welcomed me to be his child. I had never known love and acceptance before. But now I had the peace and joy I had been desperately searching for since I was four years old. It was Jesus. He was the answer. I was born again Praise God!
I no longer wanted to die. For the first time in my life I had hope and it didn’t come from anything or anyone but Jesus.
Jesus delivered me from drugs and drinking, and my life was completely different. I still had to deal with a lot of my emotional struggles that I had carried for a very long time. But instead of getting high or turning to a boyfriend, I learned how to run to Jesus. I spent many nights face down on the floor crying and pouring my heart out to him. He always met me right where I was at and as I trusted in him, he healed my heart day by day. I learned how to look to the word of God and live by the scriptures, and not my emotions or circumstances. My hope was no longer dependent on people or things, but on Jesus alone, and because of that I had hope regardless of my situations.
Suicide is something that is becoming more and more rampant in our society especially among teenagers. Recently in the news we’ve heard of the deaths of Robin Williams, Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain. All taken by their own hands. There are so many who are fighting the same battle I once was. So many who are empty, lost, and hopeless, desperately searching for peace and purpose in life. We try to fill our hearts with so many things, but the Bible says that we were made by God and for God so only he is able to fill us.
Jesus is our only Hope for deliverance.
My circumstances definitely contributed to my struggle with depression. And my situation made me more aware of the hopelessness of this life and led to thoughts of suicide. But the real reason for my miserable existence was because I was in the world without God and without hope. My constant turmoil was because I was not right with God. I wasn’t happy because my sins weren’t forgiven. Even during the times when things were going the way I wanted, and I had something to look forward to, there was still a void inside.
Its been 18 years since Jesus did a miracle in my heart! I have never been the same. He is a good and faithful God. He is my greatest treasure. He has blessed me with so much more than what is necessary and what I deserve. He placed me in this church at Calvary Temple where I have attended for 15 years. I’m loved, and cared for by the body of Christ, and continue to grow in my walk with the Lord.
God has blessed me with an amazing husband who I met at my church. He is a Man who loves God with all his heart, and who loves me with a love that is beyond what I thought possible. We’ve been married for 10 years now and through good times and not so good, he is still the delight of my heart, and I’m his because Jesus is first in both of our lives. We’ve been blessed with two children who are our treasure. I am so thankful for the beautiful life God had prepared for me since before the beginning of time.
During those years of suffering and sin, I never in my wildest dreams thought I would have the life that I have now.
If you can relate to my story on any level, I want to tell you, God is full of compassion and tender mercies. His loving kindness is better than life. His love is limitless and he loves you. God sees you, and he cares. He knows every tear you’ve ever cried, and every heartache you’ve ever had. He knows every fear that haunts you, and every bondage that holds you. He also knows how to comfort you, and how to heal you. There is nothing you have done that God cannot forgive. His hand his strong and he is mighty to save! He will not turn you away when you come to Him. He wants to give you a new life. All you have to do is step out in faith and put your trust in Him. Jesus will meet you where you are. Let him do a miracle in your heart and in your life! You can read more about God’s plan of salvation for your life here.
Don’t miss Part 1 of Candace’s story, Drug Addiction, Depression and Suicide.
ABOUT CALVARY TEMPLE
Calvary Temple is an independent church which holds to all Assemblies of God tenets of faith. Calvary Temple ministries include Discipleship Training, adult Bible college, media ministry, and an aggressive missions program.
Pastor Star R. Scott is Senior Pastor of Calvary Temple in Sterling, Virginia, where he has ministered since 1973. In addition to the pastoral gift, Pastor Scott functions in the five-fold offices of apostle and prophet. He has planted churches, and currently oversees the pastors and ministries of numerous satellite churches.
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